Ten Ways to Avoid the Royal Wedding

[Junkman]

The Royal Wedding is fast approaching, and Mayfair is going mad.

When Prince William and Kate Middleton announced their engagement on 16 November the entire country and much of the world were hurtled into the throes of near-saturation coverage.

The media were in royal-watcher heaven during that first week, with some of Britain's tabloids dedicating 5-6 pages to the news every day.

Skip forward a few months and this has been supplemented with special edition glossy magazines, a comic strip love story and a Kate-inspired Mr Men book.

We now know Kate Middleton so intimately it wouldn't be assuming of us to claim we are all engaged to her too.

But while there's no doubt the impending nuptials have generated excitement from many quarters, there is also a strong sense that a lot of Brits are underwhelmed by all the fuss.

A ComRes survey conducted in November 2010 revealed a clear majority of the 1,006 British people sampled were "not excited" by the wedding.

In total, 31 per cent of people said they "couldn't care less" about the event and a further 28 per cent described themselves as "largely indifferent".

For this 59 per cent it can seem like a formidable task to escape the wedding mayhem, and to keep from knocking one's limbs on strategically positioned souvenir plates in London's streets.

But where there's a Will there's a way out, and here I give you 10 ways to successfully evade Royal wedding fever in the build-up to and on the big day.

1. Go abroad

This is the most obvious solution. If even being in the UK is too much to handle, go on an extended holiday to another country – preferably one that is not part of the Commonwealth.

To play it really safe try Kazakhstan, Kyrgyzstan or Turkmenistan. Other possible destinations include Argentina, The Philippines, China, Fiji, Madagascar and the Tibetan plateau. Germany comes to mind as a last resort.

2. Stage a self-inflicted siege

This one can be performed from within the country. Quit your job, lock yourself in your house and turn off the electricity. Spend your days playing pick-up-sticks and listening to the Sex Pistols on a tape recorder. This is the most effective method of wedding avoidance but has potential problems attached to it, such as running out of food.

If a friend or family member can regularly deliver supplies this is ideal. Do not turn your siege into a hunger strike – it didn't work for the Mexican teenager who starved herself outside the British Embassy to score an invite to the wedding.

3. Be one with nature

If self-imprisonment doesn't cater to your adventurous streak, try an outdoorsy alternative away from London, such as orienteering or rock climbing. Avoid activities situated near rivers as you may encounter a Kate Middleton look-a-like being filmed rowing a Dragon Boat.

A good model to copy is a Welsh campsite's 'Escape the Wedding Camp' weekend, which runs from Thursday, 28 April, until Sunday, 1 May. The weekend at Balchder Cymru will reportedly involve nothing more than relaxation among like-minded individuals.

As organiser Adam Phillips says: "We are organising this celebration as a distraction and a lot of English people would feel the same as us.”

4. Buy alternative Royal wedding tat

If you can't ignore the merchandise, beat it. Clever anti-Royal Wedding souvenirs are on sale, and range from parody-inscribed plates to mugs declaring, "I'm not a Royal Wedding mug". And if you have "throne up" recently, you can also purchase Royal Wedding sick bags (but they're cheaper in bulk, so spew big).

5. Loiter

Drive up and down your street very slowly, thus preventing any chance of a Royal Wedding street party materialising. This type of protest is highly effective if two or more cars drive abreast at the same speed. Though take note, this is illegal. Shift work may be needed depending on how many days before the wedding you begin.

6. Propose

What better way of escaping another's engagement than by getting engaged yourself? Pop the question to your girlfriend, boyfriend or next door neighbour – it doesn't really matter who – and watch as the ensuing wedding planning hysteria unfolds. So much will be the impact on your sanity that you will temporarily lose the sensory abilities required to take in your immediate surroundings. Some call this self-obsessed, but it works.

7. Watch cement set

This is best if you are building a house or need a new garden path. Fill the designated area with cement. Sit down and watch the cement. Remain stationary for the entirety of 29 April, and when 30 April rolls around you will have a newly cemented area and have missed the wedding.

Alternatively, begin this task a few days early and kill two birds with one stone by digging a hole in your backyard and pouring cement into the shape of a bunker. Time it so it has set just in time for you to crawl inside on the morning of 29 April.

8. Act out the life of King Charles I

King Charles I never let a silly royal occasion get in the way of what he wanted

Before we go any further with this, you can leave the execution bit alone. It's not worth sacrificing a teddy bear for. Instead, get in touch with your inner performer and pretend you are a tyrannical monarch, demanding large sums of money from your friends before canonising yourself as a saint. A completely pointless exercise built upon the proven theory of distraction.

9. Watch My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding

Channel 4 is releasing 'My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding' on DVD the very same day Kate and Wills tie the knot. Brush the BBC coverage of the real Royal Wedding and have a DVD marathon of the gypsy variety.

10. Shift your news eye

Switch off to Royal wedding hype – and to silly stories like this one – and concentrate on more important issues. There are plenty of people in the world who are just as, if not more unique and special, than Wills and Kate. Think Charlie Sheen and Katie Price.

However, if you do want to keep up with all the pre-nuptial hysteria, you can visit Yahoo! UK & Ireland’s Royal Wedding website.

Follow Yahoo! Royal Wedding UK on Twitter

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